


Baby Blue

by CooperNox (CooperMox)



Series: Love and War [5]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Adoption, Angst and Humor, Clexa babies, Domestic Clexa, F/F, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-07
Updated: 2016-01-02
Packaged: 2018-04-19 15:17:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 18,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4751117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CooperMox/pseuds/CooperNox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke and Lexa have everything. Each other, promising careers, loving family and friends, a beautiful life. All that's missing is the baby. </p><p>(Unfortunately, life isn't always perfect)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> You all pretty unanimously asked for Clexa babies, so I have delivered (pun intended) of course I am chronically unable to just write cute fluffy happy endings, so here's another angst riddled entry to the AU. Hope you enjoy!

"Hey momma bear!"  
"Don't jinx it Tia!" Lexa snapped at her friend's playful jab as she answered her impatiently ringing phone.   
"He's not here yet and we still have the final court date, and if Charlie changes her mind after he's born..." She continued, too on edge to let it go.

"Oh. Kay. Touchy touchy." Costia cut in, halting Lexa's rant before she could get too worked up.   
"Relax X. It'll be fine. You two have walked this girl through nearly her entire pregnancy, she's not going to take your baby away from you. The last time was awful, but that kind of bullshit only happens once." She had wanted to strangle the mother of the last child Lexa and Clarke had tried to adopt. She had waited at the hospital with them and the rest of their family to meet their new daughter only to be informed by the attending doctor that the troubled teenager had decided to keep the baby. The paperwork hadn't gone all the way through processing, so all the heartbroken couple had at the end of the day was their family and friend's support and Lexa's mangled hand from punching a hole in the hospital's wall.

"Thanks." Lexa sighed, forcing herself to calm down. The countdown to another day waiting in the hospital to become parents was on and she knew neither she nor Clarke could stand the let down again if this time went like the last.  
"But you didn't call to deal with my baby panic did you? What's up on your coast?" She changed the topic, letting herself just be glad to hear her oldest friend's voice.  
"We got signed!"

"What?!"  
"Yeah! Twelve years of dicking around and we finally got a label to pick us up!"   
"Congratulations sellout." Lexa teased. Costia's band had been offered a contract before, but they had decided that it was selling out and they wanted to stay indie under their own management.  
"Yeah, yeah, tease all you want. It's time to get a paycheck unfortunately. I mean, god, you're married and having a baby, and I'm still playing bar gigs and hawking my own merch."   
"But you've had fun haven't you?"  
"I have. And I still will. Big tours, an actual bus! Groupie girls for days."   
Lexa laughed. _'Same old Costia.'_   
It was good to know that some things would never change.   
"I'm happy for you Tia. You guys deserve it."  
"Yeah, we're kinda awesome. But you know what the best part is? We're moving to New York!" Lexa could picture her friend bouncing as she squealed happily with the announcement.   
"You're kidding."  
"Nope! You're gonna have to brush up on your bass skills, because we are going to have a sick ass studio to jam in just a train ride away!"   
"Yeah I'll pencil that in between dog training and changing diapers." Lexa huffed sarcastically, making a note to actually make sure it happened at some point.   
"Your life sounds so glamorous." Was the deadpan reply.   
"It is- Anya! Get off of the dog!" The toddler appeared from the entryway, clambering onto the big black dog sleeping in front of the fireplace.   
"I've gotta go, my niece is a terror."   
"She is _your_ niece." Costia pointed out. Lexa rolled her eyes.   
"I'll call you from New York, X. Don't stress too much."  
"Talk to you soon Tia."

"Alright Woogie, where's your auntie?" Lexa scooped the little girl up relieving her dog of her burden.  
"You're right here, Wexa!" Lincoln's childhood speech impediment had passed to his daughter and Lexa had finally learned not to laugh at how the girl said her name. It was precious.   
"I know that Woog, where's auntie Clarke?" She made a show of tickling her niece for information. The ensuing struggle ended with Anya's knees hung over Lexa's shoulder, her aunt's sure grip on her legs keeping her hanging upside down laughing gleefully as she pointed up the stairs in surrender. 

-

"We're never going to be able to find the baby in here if you keep bringing home more stuff." Lexa laughed, leaning on the doorframe as Anya scrambled out of her arms to tackle Clarke's legs.   
"This is just replacement for the things I returned. And you're just as guilty as I am missus." Clarke grinned, hoisting her niece to her hip. 

A soft warning wuff from downstairs announced Octavia's return before Lexa could come up with an excuse for the bags of clothes and toys she'd brought home over the past few weeks.  
"You two spend more time in this room than the rest of your house." Octavia laughed, stepping up behind them.  
"And how many times did I catch you asleep in Anya's room before she was born?" Clarke jabbed in reply, handing the little girl to her sister to satisfy the grabby hands motion mother and daughter were making at each other.   
Octavia rolled her eyes over her daughter's dark curls.  
"In my defence, that armchair is comfy as fudge."   
Lexa laughed, remembering the Octavia she had met years ago, with a vocabulary like a drunken sailor and an independent streak that would have never hinted at being a wonderful and capable mother.  
"You laugh, but who was it to asked to have it for your nursery?"   
Lexa shut up, eyeing the plush recliner in the corner guiltily. It was a fabulous chair.   
"It is comfy." She defended weakly with a smile.   
"You'll fall asleep in it more often than you'll want to admit, believe me." Octavia warned, speaking from experience. She turned her attention to her daughter in her arms, bopping her nose with a finger.  
"Ok, Munchkin, let's go home, Daddy's making dinner."   
"Mommy, I'm not a munchin... Imma WOOGIE!" Anya corrected enthusiastically, grinning at her aunt like it was their own private joke. Which it was, but she had no way of knowing that. 

"What?" Octavia followed the toddler's gaze and turned a quizzical look toward her sister-in-law.   
"What silly stories have you been telling her now?"  
"My stories aren't silly! They're wonderful!" Lexa faked a fatal wound, staggering back a step to make the little one laugh even harder.   
"Woogies were supposed to be tickle monsters that came to make sure you were asleep," she explained.  
"But she insisted that she wanted to be one, so there's a hard system for becoming a Woogie now. Which includes teeth brushing, clearing your plate, only asking for one bed time story and basically anything you want her to do." Lexa grinned, proud of her parenting technique.  
"If any of that sticks, I'm having you knighted." Octavia claimed, dead serious, as she turned toward the stairs.   
"Her bag is in the living room. Thanks for letting us have the weekend with her, O." Clarke called after her, setting about organizing the clutter of baby things in the room as Lexa walked her out.  
"Any time! Really." The accompanying laugh was cut short by the closing of the front door. 

-

Lexa trudged back up the stairs of their home, finding Clarke trying to sort clothes by month size in the center of the floor.   
"Peace and quiet." She sighed, sinking down next to her wife.   
"Enjoy it while you can babe. It's almost over forever." Clarke laughed, leaning into Lexa's shoulder.   
"You ready?" She set aside a tiny shirt and reached for Lexa's hand, gently massaging the old injury.   
"I still have a month if I'm not." She laughed.  
"Charlie was born three weeks early, you might not have that long." Clarke reminded her playfully.   
"When he's ready, I'm ready." Lexa reassured her. She'd been ready for the last two years, ever since they'd signed the first form at the adoption agency.

They sat in silence for a while, simply enjoying what little quiet they had left.


	2. Chapter 2

"Clarke?" Lexa unclipped Ithaca's lead and filled a fresh bowl of water for the panting dog.   
"In the office Lex!" A muffled response came from the back of the house, where Clarke was buried in papers and scanning through digital documents.   
"You're working early." Lexa noted, leaning over the back of Clarke's chair to kiss her cheek and puzzle at the nonsense on the screen in front of her. Political and legal babble that still made no sense to her.   
"It's campaign crunch time. No rest for the wicked and all that." She was grumpy about it, but Lexa knew that she secretly loved sifting through all of this junk to solve whatever puzzle she'd been assigned to. 

"Speaking of crunch time..." Lexa lead in, knowing she was going to be dropping some disappointing news.  
"I'm probably going to be late at the base tonight. I have a ton of administration stuff to catch up on." She waited for the inevitable huff.  
"Charlie and Harper are coming for dinner tonight." Clarke tried to guilt her gently, reminding her of their planned company.   
"I know, but I have three promotions to review, and a load of requisitions for the new program. On top of the scheduling and itineraries for the next three months. And if I'm not ahead on this stupid admin stuff before the baby comes, they'll give my command to Wallace." The Captain that was covering her company while she took a two month maternity leave was a manipulative, greedy bastard and she didn't want him getting his foot in the door to take her place.   
"All I'm hearing is you're still bailing on dinner." Clarke leveled a mock glare at her wife, dropping it when she couldn't compete with the offered pout.   
"Alright, I get it. Just try to be home as soon as you can ok?" She conceded, tossing her hands in the air in defeat.   
"Nah, I think I'm definitely going to the strip club with the guys." The sarcasm was heavy enough to feel.  
"Enough of your sass woman! Get to work so you can come home for dinner with the mother of our child." Clarke shoved at Lexa until she turned and stepped out of the room, laughing all the while. 

-

"Did you finish the painting?" Charlie asked curiously.  
"I did! Lexa wants me to do one in every room now." Clarke laughed, pulling her phone out to show the girl so she wouldn't have to worry about the stairs.   
She took the phone and admired the picture before passing it to her sister to see. 

Fed up with trying to decide on paint colors and not wanting anything overtly gendered in the baby's room, Clarke had decided to paint a mural on one wall, leaving the others a warm sand color. The finished product was a seascape, soft waves and a beach under a pastel sunrise. 

"It's beautiful." Charlie smiled and Harper hummed her agreement, passing the phone back to its owner and resuming her meal.   
"Thank you, I'm glad you like it."  
"Maybe you can do one in my room." The teen hinted, her guardian rolled her eyes.   
"Charlie..."  
"No, I'd love to!" Clarke silenced her friend's warning, grinning at the younger Harper girl.   
"I have to actually find us a house first." The elder reminded her. 

Clarke admired Harper, taking responsibility for her teenage sister and moving her across the country to avoid the bullies and stigma of being pregnant at fifteen at a private school, leaving her career and family behind because no one else would stand up for the girl, who had been near the edge. Her old friend had called in a near panic as he sister was recovering in the hospital, desperate to get her out of the horrible situation that had put her there. Clarke had immediately purchased tickets for a flight to San Diego and the plan to move the girl to Virginia was hatched. It had been Charlie's idea to adopt her child to the couple that had practically taken over her parenting after her own mother had been too ashamed of her to even care when her oldest daughter applied for custody of her youngest.

The sisters had been a constant staple at the Heda house since and Clarke had even managed to get Harper a position on the legal team she was working with for her mother-in-law's election. Harper had been reluctant to impose and moved them into a cheap apartment across town until she could find them a house. Six months of house hunting hadn't been going well, but she was hopeful about this next weekend's line up of showings. 

"I'll keep my fingers crossed for you." Clarke tapped her crossed fingers to her friend's wrist with an encouraging smile.  
"Voodoo magic might work better at this point. How did you two find this place so quickly?" Harper asked from a sidelong stare, her head hung in near defeat.   
"Don't look at me. Bought and paid for by the US Marine Corp. We gave them an off base area we wanted, they gave us a few options and we told them which one to buy." Clarke explained, leaving out the annoying fact that the payments came from Lexa's retirement pay.  
"My tax dollars at work I see." Harper laughed  
"One of the better applications I'd say."  
"True enough." 

Grumbled expletives and muttering ended the conversation there as Lexa returned, angrily twisting her cap before tugging it forcefully onto its peg by the fireplace. Noticing that she'd interrupted the dinner that she was supposed to be attending, she stopped and took a deep breath, composing herself.  
"Rough day at the office?" Harper asked as the other woman exhaled.  
"To put it lightly. Sorry, I thought I'd missed you two for the evening." Lexa forced an apologetic smile at their guests.   
"We got a late start." Charlie explained, scowling at her sister.   
"Well, that's good for me then. Puts a much better ending on my day."   
"Your plate is in the oven Babe, come join us." Clarke sighed, bracing for the deflection, the likely planned out excuse to change and go work in the garage, or take the dog for a run. 

"Sounds wonderful. " Lexa surprised her, dropping her coat onto the back of her usual chair and retreating quickly to the kitchen to retrieve her meal. When she returned a moment later she set her plate in its place and dropped a quick kiss on Clarke's temple before sitting.   
"Gotcha." She whispered as she pulled away, settling into her chair with a sly grin, knowing what her wife had come to expect from her hard days. 

"Alright! Tell me everything. What's new?" Lexa asked before she dug in, eyeing Harper and Charlie pointedly.   
"Oh no, I wanna hear about your day." Charlie had taken an instant liking to Lexa when they'd met, and had mentioned to Harper (though she wasn't brave enough to bring it up to Lexa yet) that she was considering enlisting when she turned eighteen. The conversation almost always turned toward the Corp or whatever new assignment Lexa was working on, if it wasn't classified, of course.   
"It's just Wallace being a- being Wallace I guess."  
"An ass hole?" Charlie supplied, laughing at Lexa's attempt at censoring herself.   
"That's the one." Lexa agreed, shaking her head. 

"The whole purpose of my company is to set up the new MWD program at the joint base to take some of the weight off of Lackland. Wallace has decided that while he is filling my command while I take my, leave, he's not going to do any work on the project. At all. Which means half of what I've worked on for the last six months will be useless by the time I get back. Work orders, supply contracts, recruit portfolios, basically all of it." She huffed angrily, remembering his smug face as he told her his plan for his two months in charge.   
"He's setting completion of the project back by at least two months, if I'm being optimistic, just so it will look like I've failed and he'll get my grant and command to do with as he pleases."   
She took another deep breath, trying to keep calm.   
"Sounds like a tool." Charlie commented, frowning.  
"Accurate." Clarke agreed, having met the Captain briefly at an officer's dinner and reaching that exact conclusion almost immediately. Lexa nodded and continued.

"All that, I expected from him to be honest. But tonight? Tonight, even though I actually got my mountain of paperwork done at a decent time, I had to stay an extra three hours, ironing out logistics and excuses to order the dogs off base."   
"What?" Charlie was alarmed. The dogs were her favorite, Ithaca in particular, as she never left her side whenever she was in the house.   
"You're moving the dogs? That's the whole program though." Clarke grew worried as Lexa's shoulders tensed.   
"I received some not so thinly veiled threats that there might be an accident in the kennels while I'm gone. They leave for Lackland this weekend." She pulled her fingers over her eyes and down her cheeks in an attempt to pull the stress of it away.   
"That fucking bastard!" Charlie nearly shouted.  
"Charlotte!" Harper scolded, though Clarke could tell she agreed with her sister, and she couldn't say that she wasn't of the same mind.

"What about Icarus?"  
Ithaca lifted her head from Charlie's feet, extracting herself from under the table to sit between Lexa and Clarke, grinning a sloppy doggy grin at the mention of her brother's name.   
"You miss your brother, girl?" Lexa chuckled, scratching the dog's ears lightly.   
"I would bring him home, but with the ba-"  
"But nothing. Don't tell me you trust him with your life but not your son. You can't ship him off to Texas." Clarke cut her off, tone saying that she was putting her foot down on the matter. She knew Lexa worried about having a trained attack dog around a newborn but she also knew Lexa would likely die for that dog, and he would do anything for her. He was her partner and her support and Clarke firmly believed he and Lexa should never be separated.   
"I didn't know you felt so strongly about him." Lexa laughed slightly in surprise.  
"I might have gotten a little attached." She lied. She was definitely very attached. 

Charlie and Harper could only laugh now, though the younger girl was still tapping her foot to alleviate the anger she felt at hearing the dogs, and Lexa's position, were being threatened.   
"Alright, I'll put in the request. I'll feel better with him here." Lexa admitted. Even when she stopped working at NCIS in favor of building this program, the dog had remained her partner due to his unwillingness to work well with other Handlers. She tried to remain unattached like she was supposed to, a typical handler would usually have three to five different dogs in their career so attachment wasn't the best course of action, but she couldn't help it. 

"Ow! Calm down you jerk!" Charlie jumped, glaring at her belly.  
"Little Guy agrees, the dog stays." She laughed, the baby's timing almost too perfect. The adults joined her, grateful for the comedic break.   
"And now he's kicking my bladder." She flinched at another kick.  
"Can you guys just take this thing already?" She called over her shoulder as she made her way to the bathroom, exasperated.   
"That's entirely up to him!" Clarke called after her before the door clicked shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said, I am incapable of making something purely fluffy, so Lexa's going to have some work drama in the background. Enjoy!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last super angst chapter for a while, I promise.

"Happy Halloween!" Lexa called, closing the front door and returning the candy dish to its place on the dining room table.  
"That little girl..." Clarke murmured, watching the last family walk away down their drive from the window, a young couple with an infant in a fluffy bat costume in a stroller.  
"She was adorable. And next year that will be us." Lexa settled her hands around Clarke's waist, expecting to see her beautiful, excited smile when she turned around to face her. What she received was the opposite. Blue eyes were ringed in red, evidence of tears threatening to spill and her lip trembled.   
"Woah, hey! What's wrong Sweetheart?" Lexa pulled her wife close in alarm. Her first instinct to wrap her in a tight hug was apparently the correct one. Clarke sunk into her embrace, relying on Lexa's arms to hold her up as she gave in to full sobs.

"That could have been us this year." she choked out against her shoulder, gripping the back of Lexa's black "This is my Halloween Costume" shirt tightly.   
"Ah." Lexa inhaled sharply. She had been wondering when this would hit. She quickly guided Clarke to the sofa, flipping off the outside lights as she passed, and pulled her into her arms again when they were seated in their living room.   
"I'm sorry Lex. I thought I was ok, I-"  
"Clarke." Lexa pushed her back gently, but enough that she looked up and into her eyes.

"Listen to me. Don't apologize. I don't think you've cried about this since the day it happened. It's ok. It was horrible but you were so strong, for me. She got taken away from us and instead of being there for you, letting you grieve, I lost it. You're my angel and I've put you through so much. Don't apologize for this Clarke." She spoke calmly, recounting all the times Clarke had quieted her like this in the years they'd been together, always dropping everything to be there for her no matter what. Clarke found Lexa's hand, running a thumb over the newly healed bones as was her habit now. Even in the midst of a breakdown, Clarke's concern was with Lexa, praying that she didn't trigger any bad memories and set her back again. The broken knuckles were her reminder.  
"Clarke." Lexa gently extracted her hand, flexing her fingers to prove that she was fine before smoothing Clarke's hair back from her face.  
"I'm alright. It's okay if you're not right now, you don't have to worry about me." 

"I just feel like we lost her, even though I know she's alive and okay, it still feels like she's just gone. And then it feels like it's too soon to have another because I haven't given her enough time. But she's not gone so why do I feel so bad?!" Clarke tried to hold her voice steady, but dissolved into sobs again, burying her face against Lexas neck.  
"Why do I miss someone I never got to meet?" she let herself cry, rocking in the safe embrace of Lexa's arms.  
"Because you have a beautiful, wonderful, loving heart that's maybe just a little too big for it's own good." Lexa replied when she had calmed again, placing light kisses into Clarke's hair as she curled against her chest.   
"Because you loved that little girl, and you always will, no matter where she is or who she's with. Because that's who you are Clarke, you love with no reservations. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and I love you so much for it. I think about her a lot too. About what this last year could have been. But I know that wherever she is, she's got a piece of your heart with her and I know she's going to be alright. I know she's loved, and that's the best we could ever do."

Clarke's breathing steadied as her tears dried, but she stayed where she was. It was too rarely now that they had a quiet moment like this to themselves between work and family and preparing for the baby.   
"I love you Lexa. I feel like I don't tell you that enough these days. I've been choking everything back and trying to hold it together, just hoping it would go away." Clarke lifted her head to hold Lexa's eyes, trying to put as much of her regret and remorse into her gaze as she could manage.  
"I just need to know that you haven't been blaming yourself, I couldn't live with that." 

"Do you remember when we met?" Lexa asked, her voice was light, leading into some plan, like it was every time she started a story for Anya.   
"Of course, what does that-?" Clarke was confused but Lexa cut her off.  
"Do you remember how I was? How I couldn't, wouldn't feel anything?" She was serious now.  
"Oh." The connection fell into place.  
"I've been through this too, Clarke. I understand. I only blame myself for letting you think you couldn't talk to me about it." She returned the apologetic look, running warm hands down Clarke's arms to calm her slight shaking.   
Clarke's mouth moved, searching for words and coming up with nothing until Lexa smiled.

"We're going to be fine Love. I promise. All of this pain is only temporary. And we _are_ going to be parents."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know guys, are we not feeling this one so much? I hate to be that guy that relies on feedback to do what they like doing anyway, but I'm curious.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is mostly a tie in point for a collaboration I'm doing with Doc_Rok, so stick with me here. :)

“Have I mentioned that I love how our family has a holiday schedule rotation?” Lexa joked, shoving the last of the grocery bags snuggly into the trunk.  
“You’re just glad that you don’t have to cook the Thanksgiving meal this year.” Clarke laughed from the passenger seat, feet kicked up on the dash just to see the adorable irritated twitch of Lexa’s eye.  
"Family events are stressful enough without having to host. Particularly when the baby is due any day." Lexa sighed, steeling herself for the undoubtedly boisterous event ahead of them.  
“Feet.” she grunted as she slipped behind the wheel, earning another laugh and a light shove.  
“If you think this car is going to stay pristine once the baby is here, you are very very wrong.”  
“You won’t let me drive him in this car!” Lexa exclaimed, pouting comically.  
“It doesn’t have airbags!”  
It was an old argument, one that only served as comedy now, as Lexa had quickly relented the first time when Clarke had brought up the safety issue. Clarke dutifully removed her feet, rolling her eyes as Lexa leaned to rub the smudge from her heel off the dash with her sleeve.  
“You’re a nerd.”  
“You married me.” Lexa grinned devilishly.  
“Best decision of my life. Now drive, we’re late, Raven and Bellamy are already there.” Clarke beamed and gestured at her phone, the screen full of “where are you guys?” texts.  
“They both live in town, that’s not even fair.”  
“Raven said she was in New York yesterday.”  
“What the heck for?” She pushed the car into reverse and backed out of the driveway, tipping her head slightly in confusion.  
“Not a clue. Probably at the new shop.” Clarke shrugged, keeping track of Raven was pretty much a full time job, but it came with great stories at the very least. 

-

A throaty moan and a dark blur caught Lexa’s attention as she passed the den, following Clarke to find her mother. She stopped and stood in the entry, staring dumbly as she tried to differentiate the two forms tangled together on the sofa in a less than family friendly display.  
She reached blindly for Clarke, pulling her back to her side, eyes never leaving the pair.  
“Jesus, Raven! Not on Mom’s sofa! You have a room here!” Clarke groaned as she recognized her friend under a mess of braids that fell from around the other woman’s face. While it hadn’t been happening recently, this was something she and Octavia had become used to through high school and college and it had stopped being surprising to her long ago. Lexa’s utter derailment seemed unwarranted, but she shrugged it off. The two women on the sofa broke apart at the sudden scolding, separating and disentangling themselves to stare at the intruders with red creeping up their necks.  
“What the actual fuck Costia?” Lexa’s voice and the familiar name brought Clarke back to her side in a second, the thought of returning to the kitchen erased as she finally connected the face of Raven’s entertainment to her memory.

Costia swung herself out of Raven’s lap and straightened her shirt, looking sheepishly at her feet despite the wicked grin pulling at her lips.  
“Surprise?” she chuckled, venturing a glance up to meet Lexa’s still bewildered eyes.  
“I’m confused.”Clarke stammered, eyes jumping between her two friends who were clearly much more friendly than she’d ever assumed they would be.  
“I was in New York, apartment shopping for the band, so I thought I’d drop in.” The wild woman explained, knowing full well that her sudden appearance on the opposite coast and in the Griffin house was not the main source of anyone’s confusion.  
“And onto Raven’s face?! Aren’t you with Echo?” Lexa found her voice again, still alarmed, but present at least.  
“Yeah. And?” She collected her braids, casually tying them back as if the question didn’t have any deeper implications.  
Clarke moved past her to tug Raven from the sofa, pulling her out of the line of Lexa’s increasingly upset glare.  
“X. Chill out. Echo knows, we’re not exclusive and Raven and I aren't dating anyway. I’m not cheating on anyone.” Costia gave in under her best friend’s glare, her smirk and sarcasm dropped in favor of avoiding a blow up. Lexa took a breath, relaxing at the knowledge that at least there wasn’t any moral rule breaking going on, even if it was one of the strangest situations she’d ever encountered.  
“So, you two are...?” Lexa tried to wrap her head around the new turn of events.  
“We’re just having fun.” 

“Hey guys! Oh! Hey, Tia…” Octavia burst in with Lincoln on her heels and Anya in her arms. She pulled up short, her voice slowing and filling with confusion upon seeing Lexa’s oldest friend in the living room.  
“Lex, did you invite your ex girlfriend for Thanksgiving? I mean, whatever, but what?”  
“Oh my god!" Lexa slapped a hand to her eyes.  
"Raven! You are not sleeping with my ex girlfriend!” Lexa exclaimed suddenly, her sister-in-law’s words reminding her that the woman in front of her had once been the love of her life, and not just her best friend. Octavia only stared, eyes widening as they flicked from her oldest friend to Lexa's.  
“Oh come off it Cap. You dated when you were teenagers, don’t make it weird." Raven chided, rolling her eyes at the big deal this was becoming. 

“Ooohkay. Anya, why don’t we go find Uncle Bell in the basement and get a game to play? I think your aunties have some grownup things to talk about.” Lincoln hustled his daughter from her mother’s arms and quickly to the stairs, shooting his most serious glare at his sister who was still stuck between horror and shock.  
“Alright, what did we just walk in to?" Octavia broke the sudden awkward silence when her husband and daughter had disappeared.  
Lexa shook her head slowly, defeated.  
"Thankfully, not what Clarke and I walked in to. Apparently, Raven and Costia are sleeping together." She explained, moving to the kitchen to find a drink.  
"And making out like horny teenagers in the den." Clarke added dryly.  
“Hey, I grew up here! I can make out wherever I please, thank you very much! And no one actually said we were sleeping together." Raven argued playfully, earning a quick smack upside the head from Clarke as they followed, taking places at the counter. Octavia took her place between them rolling her eyes.  
"Is that not what's happening?" Lexa raised an eyebrow at Raven as she rubbed the spot that Clarke's palm had left stinging.  
Raven made to make another contrary remark, but cut herself off to nod sullenly as she noticed the set of Tia's jaw, warning her to go easy on their obviously over stressed friend. 

"You alright there sis?" Octavia reached across the counter for Lexa's arm as the other woman sighed deeply.  
"Yeah, I'm fine, O. There's just a lot changing all at once. My brain is having a hard time keeping up. It's really not a big deal, I was just surprised." Lexa brought her free hand to clasp her sister-in-law's, giving it a quick reassuring squeeze before waving off Clarke's concern before her wife could open her mouth. Big unexpected changes could still be triggers for her nightmares, even now, but she wasn't going to ruin Clarke's holiday over a 'might'. Clarke answered with her own sigh and stored her worry away for that night. 

Abby appeared from her bedroom, seemingly oblivious to the previous line of conversation.  
"Oh good! You're all here!" She beamed, reaching to hug her daughters.  
"Lexa, sweetheart, would you mind terribly if I roped you into fixing the potatoes? You and Lincoln are the best cooks in the family and he seems to be missing." Abby laughed over Clarke's shoulder. Lexa nodded quickly with a small smile, happy to have a distraction and that she at least didn't have to prepare the whole meal herself. Potatoes she could handle.  
"He and Anya are wrangling Bellamy away from the game room I think." Octavia took her hug and craned around to look down the stairwell for her family.  
"They might be down there a while." Clarke chuckled, knowing her brother's disdain for the larger family events like Thanksgiving and how vehemently he would argue against joining the family until just before the food was served. 

"He just doesn't want to hear Moms jabbing at him for never bringing a date." Raven laughed, tugging Costia to her side to emphasize that even she brought a date and was thus much better than Bellamy.  
"Oh, so my invite was just so Abby couldn't get on you about not having a date. I see how it is Rave. Real nice." Tia raised her chin indignantly, sarcasm and friendly affection dripping from her voice.  
"Yup!" Raven grinned wickedly.

Abby shook her head, laughing. Raven was as much a part of her family as Clarke or Octavia and Bellamy, whether the law or biology agreed, and she was just happy to see her happy. They'd had a long talk after Raven turned down Wick's proposal. Kyle had been a mask, just something to make Raven feel normal, fit in with her sisters who were dating and getting married and having great romances. He was never someone that Raven had really seen as more than a friend and looking back, Abby recognized it in the way their dynamic had been. She'd promised then to never pester Raven about dating or bringing someone home for family dinners, but she let her have her fun now. All that mattered to her was that her eldest daughter had found someone who understood her.

"Alright weirdos, take it easy." Octavia drawled rolling her eyes to Raven who just turned her grin at her and up a few notches.  
"Who are we missing still? Indra is on her way, she was trying to work on a holiday, can you believe that?" Octavia tried to act surprised, but that was fairly normal. Lexa confirmed that fact with a laugh, claiming that that did indeed sound like something her mother would do.  
"Are Harper and Charlie coming?" Abby asked from the place she'd taken up at Lexa's side, eyes never leaving the food they were preparing.  
"Harper said they'd be here, but I haven't heard anything, maybe she's working late with Mom." Lexa chuckled.  
"I'll call her." Clarke offered, scowling when she couldn't find her cell phone.  
"I think you left it in the car hon." Her wife reminded her gently and she stomped off to retrieve the device, cross with herself for forgetting it. 

 

"Lexa!" The alarmed shout rang from the door a few moments later followed by a wide eyed Clarke, clutching her phone.  
"We have to go."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a little off tone with the rest of the story, but:  
> 1) we needed some cute banter  
> 2) I obviously have a thing for family holiday scenes (I actually hate them)  
> And 3) I had a really hard time and might have given up just a little with this chapter. 
> 
> But also, the next chapter is what everyone has been waiting for,so get excited. :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here ya go!

"We have to go."

Everything after that was a blur.

-

The doors whooshed open and the antiseptic smell of the hospital washed over them as they stepped up to the reception desk. Clarke's hand in Lexa's felt like it would never stop shaking, but Lexa was still and strong and comforting, calming her thoughts, if not her nerves. 

"Lexa, Clarke!" The receptionist greeted them warmly, they had become familiar sights.   
"Visiting Rick?"   
Lexa stumbled slightly as her mind struggled to recall if she'd missed an appointment.   
"My father is here? Treatment on Thanksgiving?"   
"Cancer doesn't take holidays unfortunately. You're not here to see him?" The younger woman was confused, an afternoon visit to the hospital was usually for the sole purpose of sitting with the Admiral during his Chemo treatment.  
"Babies don't understand holidays either it would seem." Clarke grinned at Lexa and the receptionist blinked, suddenly reminded of the other reason for their visits.   
"Today's the day huh?" She grinned. Rick had taken to talking her ear off when he checked in, and his favorite topic the last few months had been his daughter and the baby that she and her wife were adopting.   
"Today's the day!" Lexa beamed, excitement choking down the lingering dread of a repeat of the last time they had done this.   
"Well congratulations! Obstetrics is level four, you can go on up. I'll let Rick know he can meet you up there when he feels up to it if you'd like."   
"That would be great. Just don't tell him I forgot his appointment." She made a show of wincing at her own forgetfulness, pulling a laugh from the woman at the desk.   
"Your secret is safe with me. Now go meet your kid." 

-

"Would you like to hold him?" The nurse cradled a squirming blue wrapped bundle, stepping close to the bed to pass him to the mother. The girl shook her head with as much force as she could manage in her exhausted state and the nurse recoiled slightly, concern painting her face. She glanced worriedly at the girl's guardian who just raised a small smile from her cell phone screen and ducked out the door into the hallway with a quick squeeze to her sister's knee. 

"Does he have a name?" She tried again, hoping the new mother was just too tired, and not rejecting her child.  
"Ask his mothers." She answered after a moment as the door clicked back open. The girl smirked at the older woman's confusion, tipping her chin sleepily toward the two visitors in the doorway. 

"Jake." Lexa smiled when her eyes fell on the newborn, finally allowing herself to say their chosen name out loud. They had agreed on his name months ago but had made a rule to not use it until they knew he would be theirs, that he wouldn't be taken away from them. The piece of paper Lexa had passed across the table was tucked under the mattress of the crib, the name, ink spread from teardrops, was circled neatly at the top.   
"His name is Jake. Jakob Rodrick Heda. For both his grandfathers." Clarke confirmed firmly with a grin at her wife, whose eyes hadn't left the baby in the nurse's arms. 

"I see." The confusion broke, revealing a wide smile and relief. Working with new babies every day made one paranoid that they wouldn't be cared for after they left, but she could tell that these two, his adoptive parents, already loved this one, and she had nothing to worry about.   
"Well mister J.R., would you like to meet your mommies?" She asked the baby in her arms quietly, deciding that two strong names were a little heavy for a newborn and opting for the initials that she would be putting on his ID bracelet. Clarke stepped up and accepted the baby, leaning into Lexa as she came forward to wrap her own arms under those that cradled their son. 

"He's perfect." She whispered, holding sleepy blue eyes with her own.   
Lexa's hand wandered up to gently trace one tiny ear and she had to hide her face against Clarke's shoulder for a moment until she could speak.   
"Our son, Clarke." She whispered reverently, gazing fondly at the child in her wife's arms. She was still trying to convince herself that she wasn't dreaming, as she'd been doing since Harper had found them in the waiting room and brought them to Charlie's room.   
"Our son." Clarke echoed, tilting her head to gently knock and rest against Lexa's where it perched over her shoulder. 

The flash of Harper's camera drew them briefly out of their revere and Clarke rolled her eyes at her friend.  
"You'll thank me later, you need photographic evidence of the moment."   
"Oh, that's going above your fireplace for sure." Charlie laughed as her sister showed her the screen with the first Heda family photo.   
"That good huh?" Clarke chuckled softly and shrugged out of Lexa's arms.   
"I have an overwhelming urge to hug Charlie, do you want to hold your son?" She knew the answer of course, but she knew Lexa wouldn't be able to hold back her joyful grin at the phrase, and that smile was almost as perfect of a sight as the newborn in her arms.   
"I thought I was going to have to fight you for him." Lexa joked lightly as Clarke settled him into her waiting arms   
"Later, you probably will." Was the response, delivered with a quick kiss before she turned to the girl responsible for bringing their son into the world. 

"I don't think we can ever thank you enough, Charlie." Clarke settled herself on the edge of the bed, leaning to give the exhausted teen a light hug, keeping a grateful hand on her shoulder after she returned to a normal sitting position.   
"It's no big deal Clarke, you saved my life, the very least I could do was give you the baby. I'm just happy he's out here and not in there anymore." Charlie could only handle a serious conversation for so long, choosing to joke and gesture at her now empty belly rather than dwell on her last overnight stay in a hospital.

-

The nurses came to usher everyone from the room to let Charlie rest and take the baby to the nursery, and Clarke and Lexa shuffled reluctantly back to the waiting area.

"Hey mommas!" Raven jumped up from her seat in the waiting room, Costia a second behind.   
"Hey!" Clarke took Raven's tackle hug with a laugh, searching over her friend's shoulder for the rest of her family.   
"Where's mom?"   
"She sent us ahead to make sure you guys were good. She wants you to call when you're headed home and everyone else will meet there if you want." Costia explained, taking her own hugs from her friends.   
"We all decided it would be better to not crowd the place, and Anya was being fussy, so she got put down for a nap."   
Clarke's grin fell a fraction but Lexa wrapped her arm around her waist, to reassure her.   
"You do get to bring him home today right?" Costia asked hopefully.  
"We can't."   
It was Lexa's turn to frown, looking at Clarke like she'd missed a very important memo. Clarke laughed at her for a second before explaining.  
"We have your car, babe." She raised her eyebrows with a smirk, recalling the conversation from earlier. Lexa stared up at the ceiling with a heavy sigh, momentary panic subsiding so that she could scowl at her wife.   
"I'll go get the jeep." She muttered grumpily, still upset over having to own a 'family' vehicle.  
"I'm going with you." Costia said between her laughter.   
"I don't trust you to drive, you're shaking."  
"I'm fine Tia, just excited." She was used to her friend's overprotective nature by now, but she still couldn't help trying to argue it away from time to time.   
"Either way, I'm going with you. Raven can look after Clarke right?" Costia shoved her friend gently, bringing her back to the conversation from staring down the hallway where the viewing window to the nursery was.   
"Oh hell no, I'm going to that window and I'm gonna stare at my nephew until someone lets me hold him." Raven sniped, flashing a wicked grin back at her.   
"I'll see what I can do about that." Clarke chuckled at her best friend and pecked a kiss to Lexa's cheek as she made to leave.   
"Harper and I will work out the last minute legals and we should be ready to take him home when you get back."   
"Perfect. I'll call Abby."  
"Love you Lexa."  
"Love you Clarke."  
"Oh gag. Clarke, show me the baby." Raven ruined the moment. 

-

“They didn’t.”  
“They did.”  
“They’re cleaning it up.”  
They pulled up to the house to find the driveway lined in balloons.  
"I think it's sweet." Clarke chuckled at the scrunch of Lexa's nose and fiddled with the release on the car seat as Lexa held the car door for her.   
"Momma's just grumpy because your aunties and uncles threw a party for you and not for her." Clarke cooed at her son as she lifted the seat out of the car. Lexa rolled her eyes but smiled, following Clarke up to the front door. 

Lexa pushed the door open to the sight of a living room full of expectant, loving faces and warm congratulatory smiles.  
"Welcome home Jake."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do y'all think?


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A couple things I should mention:  
> First, thank you all for being so supportive of this series!
> 
> Second, I've had a few people ask about spacing and formatting, so I'm trying something a little different with this chapter to hopefully make it easier for you to read. Let me know if its any better.
> 
> Third, and this is the big one... I'm really struggling with this story right now. You'll notice that this is a short chaptper, and I apologize. I'm going to be putting this story on hiatus for a bit until something jumps out at me. That said, I will take any and all suggestions and ideas from you lovely people into consideration. :)tell me what you would like to see or what you think is going to happen, it might spark something. (I mean, I have a plan, but its very loose and there's lots of blank spots)
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!

The first thing she noticed was the empty crib. 

The second, was two black dogs lying stiffly on guard beside Lexa's sleeping form on the soft rug at the center of the room. Ithaca's tail thumped lightly as she recognized her owner, but Icarus remained still, ears perked and alert, eyes trained on her every movement. Lexa stirred as she was assaulted by the smaller dog's tail, stretching out of her loosely curled position before even opening her eyes.

Her back was to Clarke in the doorway so the first sight to meet her groggy morning eyes was not her wife's poorly hidden grin, but the baby, sleeping peacefully against her chest and the arm that she had been resting her head on. Part of her wanted to curl back around him and doze again, press her nose against downy soft baby hair and dream, but Icarus was on his feet now, straddling her own in a protective stance, and her own guard came up. She turned her head to check behind her, rocking back to get a better view before she jumped to her feet at the risk of waking her sleeping angel. Bright blue eyes held her gaze and the light of Clarke's delighted smile brought her fully to life again, pushing sleep away for good. 

"At ease Icarus." She muttered, pulling her knees to her chest and shifting away from both her dog and her son to stand. 

"What's his deal this morning?"  
Clarke stepped forward cautiously. The dog laid back down eying her warily and shuffling closer to the infant on the rug, filling the space his partner had left. 

"He decided Jake is his primary objective."  
Lexa observed with a small breathy laugh. She bent and scooped the baby gingerly into her arms.  
"I've been replaced."  
She smiled at her miraculously still sleeping son, now nestled in her arms.  
"Stand down Icarus." 

"That might just be as precious as the fact that you fell asleep on the floor with him."  
Clarke closed the distance as the big dog relaxed and closed his eyes to rest. Ithaca leaned against her leg in way of greeting, bounding to retrieve her food dish as soon as she received a warm pat of acknowledgment.  
"How did you end up on the floor anyway?"  
Clarke tapped a quick kiss to the sleep lines on Lexa's cheek, humor tinting her voice with a teasing tone. 

"I want to say gravity, but I think the truth is I was just too tired to move the diaper bag off the armchair."  
She had realized on day one that being a parent meant that your dignity was forever lost, and sleep would be had wherever it could be found.  
Clarke hummed in amusement.

"I wonder, would that be because you forgot to wake me up for my turn and got up with the baby three times in one night?" 

"It might be. Except I didn't forget. Someone in this house should get to sleep through the night."  
Lexa settled Jake back into his crib with a kiss and returned to Clarke's side, pulling her close with an arm around her waist. 

"Lex, that's not how this works."  
She was scolded halfheartedly as Clarke led her out of the nursery and down the stairs. 

"It is when you need rest and I'm used to sleeping in short shifts."  
Lexa reasoned, setting about her morning routine as Clarke fed the dogs. 

"When was the last time you actually had to keep that sort of sleep schedule? Afghanistan? I wouldn't really say that counts as being used to it anymore."  
Clarke raised an eyebrow at the fault in Lexa's logic, receiving a shrug in return. "Don't make it a habit ok? You need your rest too."  
She retrieved her mug and brought it to Lexa to fill when the coffee finished brewing, leaning over her shoulder as she wrapped her arms around her from behind. Waking up alone was never something she enjoyed so she took what physical closeness she could now to make up for its absence while she slept. 

"I've been dreaming."  
Lexa murmured, relaxing into Clarke's weight.  
"Real dreams. Not the ones that start nice and turn into nightmares. Actual dreams."  
Clarke pulled away and stepped around to face Lexa with a stunned look across her face. 

"But you don't-"

"I don't dream. I know. But I have been."  
Small victories.  
Clarke beamed. Despite sleep deprivation and a crash course in real parenting, the past week seemed to have had a real positive impact on Lexa. They had come to accept that the nightmares would always be part of their lives, that the wounds would always be there, but Clarke had feared that the stress of a newborn would make them worse. The realization that the opposite was the case was beyond amazing and she couldn't help but throw her arms back around her wife and shower her with kisses. 

Icarus' soft woof preceded Jake's waking wail from upstairs and Lexa broke away to get his bottle.

"Oh no. My turn. You go rest."  
Clarke stopped her with a hand on her chest and a roll of her eyes.  
"No arguing. Octavia and Lincoln are coming by later remember? It's going to be a busy day, rest while you can." 

"I thought they were coming over so we could relax."

"Well that's the idea, but then there's Anya."

-

"I have to say, I'm surprised we got out of the house. I didn't think Anya would let you out of her sight."  
Lexa clipped the dogs onto their leashes, passing Ithaca's to her brother.  
"She's a daddy's girl."  
Lincoln smirked.  
"I'm sorry, know we were supposed to be looking after J.R. for you and Clarke to have some time to yourselves, but we couldn't find anyone to watch her." He followed her away from the house, explaining for the third time why the plan had changed last minute to include his daughter. 

"Lincoln. It's fine, you know we love having her around."  
She rolled her eyes at her brother. He was still so cautious about changing plans with her. 

"Did Bellamy have a case or something? He was supposed to watch her right?"  
Lexa stopped walking as Lincoln flinched.

"Linc, what?"

"It's nothing. He just.. Couldn't do it today."  
He recovered and kept walking, passing his sister's concerned stare. 

"Hold on, Lincoln! What the hell? What happened?"  
She caught up, jogging ahead a few steps to cut him off. 

"I shouldn't, Lexa..."  
He warned, obviously struggling with some heavy secret and the decision whether or not to lie to his sister. 

"He's my brother-in-law too remember? You can tell me or Clarke will."

"Clarke doesn't know."  
The response came quick and defensive, but his shoulders drooped as soon as the words were out of his mouth and he seemed to deflate. 

"There's nothing to know really. I just... I don't trust him with Anya right now." He continued to walk at Ithaca's insistence, the park was close and she knew he had the tennis ball, potentially earth shattering family news couldn't have mattered less.  
Lexa and Icarus fell into step, and Lexa could only gape at her brother. 

"What do you mean?" 

Lincoln sighed.  
"He's been drinking. A lot. When we got to Abby's on Thanksgiving, he'd already hit the bottle pretty hard. It wasn't pretty. That's why we didn't make it to the hospital. Octavia confronted him about it, but all he had to say was that he's 'seen some shit'. He's kinda lost it." 

"Holy.... Wait, everyone else knew about this? Why hasn't anyone said anything before now?"  
Lexa processed the news with wide eyes glued to the sidewalk, flicking up to meet her brother's with the question.

"You and Clarke just brought your baby home. No one wanted to ruin that for you. Even Bellamy. He was with it enough to insist that no one tell Clarke anything." 

"You know I have to tell her right?" 

"Of course."  
Lincoln dropped his free hand onto his sister's shoulder as they reached the gate to the park, holding her back for a moment. 

"I hate to ask, Lexi, but do you think you could talk to him?" 

"Me? Why?" 

"I think he might be going through a bit of what you did after the war. Octavia said something about his partner getting shot in the field a while back... I don't think he made it."

"Survivor's guilt."  
Lexa murmured, understanding. 

"He needs to talk to a doctor. I don't know if I can say anything that'll make him change his mind about drinking all that away."  
She frowned and pushed the gate open for the dogs, unclipping them and lobbing her own tennis ball across the field for them before turning back to her brother. 

Lincoln wore a pained face under his hat and scarf and his eyes were pleading. She wanted to be upset that he thought her experiences qualified her to help Bellamy, wanted to be angry at the generalization, but she couldn't. This was hard for Lincoln to ask, harder for him to have kept to himself, and she knew it was probably killing Octavia and would devastate Clarke.

"I'll see what I can do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Ideas? Questions? Hows the new format?
> 
> Hit me up on tumblr, I really want to talk to you all!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slowly getting back into this one, bear with me.   
> On a personal note: A lot of this is actually really personal for me/based on things I've been through and/or experienced, so if it feels kinda heavy, that's why.   
> I tried to throw a bit of silly and some fluff in to balance it out though, so please enjoy!

“You know we brought you here when you were his age.”   
Rick leaned back into his chair reaching out to pat at Lexa's hand on the stroller as they watched Clarke point out the different fish to the baby in her arms. 

“I don't remember. He's too young for all this.”   
She scrunched her nose, trying to find just a scrap of a memory of this place

“The memory is for us parents. He'll get more out of it every time you bring him back and it'll be a new adventure each time. For you as well as him. Someday when you're in my place, and it's your grandchild at that window you'll tell him how you brought him here when he was a baby.”

“You feeling alright Dad?”   
Lexa chuckled, still unused to the talkative man her father had become. 

“You laugh now, but you know I'm right. If you don't believe me, ask your brother. Anya is having the time of her life.” 

He was right. Anya was bouncing around Lincoln, arms outstretched and begging to be lifted onto his shoulders to see the fish that were swimming at the top of the tank, well above her head. 

“Alright, I see your point. But really… are you feeling alright?” Lexa's smile at her son's excited gurgle fell as her eyes dropped back to her father, pale and thin, bundled up and huddled in his wheelchair, legs too weak to hold him up for long anymore. 

“It's a good day. And even if it weren't….”   
He didn't want to do this today. He didn't want to do it at all, but it seemed like it was inevitable at this point.   
“I won't make it to J.R’s first birthday, Lexa. The doctors say it's a miracle I made it to your thirtieth. I wasn't going to miss today for anything. I have precious few left.” 

“Dad…”   
He had to have known for a while, and he'd never said anything. She dropped to a crouch beside him, holding his eyes and wondering once again at how her own were nearly perfect mirrors of them. For a moment, she regretted not passing them to a child of her own, but it was the cancer that had made that decision for her. It ran too strongly in her family.

They had all known for years that this day was coming, but now that it was here, Lexa wasn't ready to face it. 

“You've beat this before.”   
She tried to keep him positive, though it was more for her own benefit.

“I've been fighting this war for four years and I've won two battles. But this one, I can't win. You have to accept that. I got four more good years with you and Lincoln, two beautiful grandchildren and I've done good things with my life, I'm happy with that.”   
Each time the cancer came back it was stronger, but Lexa had been sure she would have more time. She had spent so long blaming her father for her sister's death, four years didn't seem like nearly enough time to apologize.

“I didn't mean to put a damper on your birthday kiddo, let's just try to enjoy the day shall we?” he gripped her hands in a reassuring squeeze and nodded toward his daughter-in-law and grandson, signaling an end to the conversation. Lexa sighed but dutifully pushed his chair forward to join her family at the window of the giant tank. 

“Hey. Everything okay?”   
Clarke turned into the hand Lexa placed at the small of her back to announce her presence, immediately noting the distance in her eyes.

“Yeah, everything's fine.”  
Lexa sighed deeply once again, knowing Clarke could see right through her. Thankfully, she knew better than to press.   
“Hey boogieman! Why don't you come sit with Grandad for a minute? I think he's got a fishie he wants to show you down here.”   
She focused her attention the the gurgling infant in her wife's arms, snatching him away with a twirl to make him laugh. She set the baby into her father's arms with an affectionate kiss to his cheek, squeezing Rick's shoulder as she stepped away, back to Clarke's side.   
Rick gave Lexa the smallest of amused smiles, saving the genuine one for his grandson who was watching him carefully, waiting for the amusement he was promised. 

“He doesn't have long does he?” Clarke asked quietly as Lexa wove their fingers together.

“He doesn't think so.”   
She answered, watching the tank's inhabitants with feigned interest.   
“How'd you know?”

“Mom mentioned something earlier, about how he was looking worse. And you just willingly handed Jake over.”   
Clarke tried to tease lightly, tried to make Lexa smile. It almost worked.   
“You're scared.” 

Lexa nodded slightly, hating Clarke's ability to read her so easily in that moment. 

“Things like this shouldn't scare me more than the war.” 

“These are the things that scare the rest of us babe. I think the war made you even more scared of losing people. And he's your dad. Believe me, I know it’s not easy. But I'm here for you ok?”  
Clarke leaned into Lexa's side, resting her head against her shoulder. 

“I know.”   
Lexa murmured softly into golden curls.  
“I love you Clarke.” 

Clarke's smile was her reply, warm and loving and speaking volumes. It broke quickly into laughter as Anya climbed into Rick's lap babbling about pancake fish and ‘why aren't there bacon fish too?’  
Lexa released her hold on Clarke as her wife pulled at the camera hanging around her neck, worry set aside for the moment. 

Clarke snapped a quick succession of photos, Anya making fish faces at her small cousin. Jake waving chubby hands gleefully. Rick wrangling the two of them to sit comfortably on his lap without falling. Jake gumming furiously on the brim of Grandad’s Navy ballcap, an offering to satisfy grabby hands. 

Eventually, when Rick seemed to tire, Abby and Marcus stepped in to relieve him of his squirming burdens, and the group moved to the next display. Lincoln took his turn guiding his father's chair and Octavia took the rare moment of freedom from her daughter to fall into step with Clarke and Lexa at the end of the pack.

“Pretty selfless of you, using your birthday for a kids outing. I know we're not here for you.” Octavia slung an arm over Lexa's shoulders, whispering conspiratorially. 

“It is Jake's one month milestone today too, so I figured I could share some of my time. I don't mind the fish.” Lexa shrugged, small smile giving away that she was enjoying the outing more than she was letting on. 

“Ignore her, she didn't want to do anything for herself today.” Clarke rolled her eyes with a laugh at her wife's expense. The morning had been spent trying to convince her that she was in fact going to celebrate her thirtieth birthday if she had to be tied and dragged to the party Costia and her band had set up for her at their studio.   
“Tia has some huge to do planned in New York tonight, and missus grump here didn't want to go. We're going.”  
Clarke had won in the end, having planned for weeks with Costia in secret and refusing to let it all be for nothing. 

“Sounds like fun. First night away from the little guy huh?”   
Octavia laughed, knowing that part of Lexa's reluctance all too well.  
“I never figured you would be the helicopter parent Lexa. Clarke was always the worrier growing up.”

“I'm not a- I just don't like being the center of attention.”   
Lexa frowned, knowing Clarke and Octavia were ganging up on her on purpose and refusing to take the bait. 

“Uh huh.”   
Clarke raised a brow suggestively and Lexa gaped at her, appalled at the implication.

“Anyway…” Lexa diverted pointedly, turning her attention back to her sister-in-law.   
“What are you plans for the evening?” 

“Well I wish I was going to this party. But we're going to visit Bellamy.”   
She scuffed a foot against the aquarium's colorful tile bitterly, frowning at the thought.

“You can't be mad at him forever O.” Clarke scowled. 

“I can try.”   
Lexa saw Anya's rebellious fire in Octavia’s eyes and had to smile. 

“Octavia.” Clarke moved from Lexa's side to grip her sister's arm and stop her in her tracks. 

“No Clarke. He lied to me and I trusted him with Anya. She could have been hurt. I can't let that go. Do you want to tell me you wouldn't be pissed if it had been Jake in the car with him? Because that's what we're talking about, He put my child in danger because he couldn't keep his shit together and he wouldn't man up and admit it. So yes, I can be mad at him forever. I'm only going to the hospital to see him because Anya doesn't understand why her uncle didn't come see her for Christmas. She worships him and he just-!”  
Octavia's calm broke and she pulled away from Clarke to throw her hands in the air. She lost her words and finished with a frustrated growl. Her brother had been her idol too and it was easier to be angry than to be scared of what could have happened to him if she hadn't found out about his problem.   
Clarke searched for words, hanging her head when she found none, her point lost to her sister's rightful anger. 

“He's getting the help he needs now, O. But he needs to want to get better, and he's not going to want to get better if he thinks you're still going to hate him.”   
Lexa agreed with her completely, and he would be a dead man if it had been Jake in Anya's place, but she knew nothing would get better if they held grudges. It was the point Clarke had been trying to make, but they both knew it would have more impact coming from Lexa. Clarke gave her a weary smile of thanks, suddenly exhausted. She let Octavia soak in Lexa's words and moved to extract a now sleeping Jake from her step-father’s arms.

“I've been meaning to ask…”   
Lexa led quietly after a few minutes of quiet, watching Clarke and the rest of their family up ahead.   
“How's the, uh, other thing, coming along?”   
She tried not to smile as she glanced down and Octavia cuffed her gently on the shoulder.

“You aren't supposed to know about that!”   
She hissed, eyes darting to the rest of their party to make sure the parents and her sister hadn't heard. 

“Come on, you know my brother can't keep secrets from me for long.”   
Lexa grinned. Lincoln had been over the moon with excitement when he'd called.

“You better keep your mouth shut. I want to be sure this one will stick before everyone knows.”   
There was a quiet sadness under the venom in her voice. It had been years, but she was still gunshy about the whole thing. 

“Last time was a fluke accident, O.” 

“I know.”   
She slumped slightly.  
“It’s just bad timing. I was ready for this two years ago. Now, between Bell and your dad and Anya starting school in the fall, it just feels like we missed the window.”

“But it’s happening nonetheless.   
Octavia might not believe it was good timing, but Lexa knew different. News of a new grandchild might just keep her stubborn old man around a bit longer.   
“Nothing’s ever perfect, remember? This is good though.” 

“You just like babies.”   
Octavia jabbed, rolling her eyes, and Lexa wrapped her in a sideways hug.

“I love babies. And also, you and Lincoln are amazing parents and this is what you wanted, so I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks Lex. But seriously, not a word to Clarke.”

“Your secret is safe with me.”

* * *

“Bet you never thought that the first time you woke up hungover in a recording studio would be after you were married and had a kid.”   
Costia's voice broke the quiet on a wind of coffee smell and Lexa ventured a sliver of a glance through aching lids. Sure enough, mug in hand, Tia stood over her with her familiar cocky smirk. 

“That better be mine.”   
Her voice was hoarse and cracked dryly as she pushed herself up to grope for the mug in her friend's hands. 

“Yeah yeah. Clarke wouldn't make me mine til I delivered it to you. She's upstairs.”   
She relinquished the steaming mug with the answer to Lexa's inevitable next question. 

Criminal Dropship’s studio, though fairly regularly trashed from Echo’s active party life, was a particular brand of wrecked this morning, and Lexa had to wonder at her wife's ability to even be conscious enough to fix coffee, much less make it upstairs to the apartment.

“No I'm not.”   
Clarke's voice, still morning rough and slow, preceded her footfalls on the stairs.   
“Tia, Raven is awake. Here's your coffee, brace yourself.” 

She settled herself slowly onto the pullout beside Lexa, passing one of the mugs in her hands to Costia. The alarm on her face made Lexa laugh, a small sound that she regretted almost immediately. She opted for more coffee before Raven could hunt her friend down and the yelling started.

“It's really not my fault. She knows how Echo sleeps and she still climbs into bed with us every time she's drunk.”

“Shes such a cute little spoon though.”   
Clarke produced her phone, proudly exhibiting the picture she had snapped before Raven came to. Echo, unsurprisingly - given the advanced level of her flirt game, was a very tactile person, more so when asleep. Much to Raven's dismay when she woke up in a vice like cuddle grip. 

“She'll kill you for that.”   
Lexa grinned at the photo, as much as her aching head would let her. 

“For taking my picture or for waking me up while taking my picture? My murder list is growing, I'll really take either reason at the moment.”   
Raven's growl echoed down the stairwell, followed by a clatter and a string of expletives as she lost balance and stumbled into what sounded like the entire contents of the kitchen cabinets. 

“You alright up there?”   
Lexa, too tired to laugh much harder than a brief chuckle, decided to be that adult and check on her friend. 

“Can't find my damn crutch so I can come down there and beat you all to death with it, but yeah, just fucking peachy.” 

“You put it behind the fridge.”   
Costia called between breaths as she tried to calm her laughter. 

“Why the fuck?!” 

“Don't ask me, you were blasted, I wasn't going to argue.” 

At this, and the hazy memory of Raven delicately and deliberately lowering the crutch into the gap behind the fridge from her precarious perch on the counter like she was defusing a bomb, Lexa finally allowed herself to laugh fully, leaning into Clarke to ease the pounding in her head at the movement.   
It had been a good party, something she hadn't been aware she'd needed until Clarke had practically pushed her through the door. 

“I blame Lexa. Her party, her fault.” Raven announced as she braved the stairs, recovered, crutch supporting more of her weight than it needed to. 

“Hey now. I didn't ask you to be here or get ungodly plastered before I even showed up. It is not my fault that I had to get a year older and these two decided I had to have a party.”   
Lexa scooted closer to the center of the bed so Raven could flop down beside her. 

“Fine. The hangover is my fault. But I swear to god I'm going to tie Echo up if she ever cuddles me again.” 

“Don't. You know she'd like it.”   
Costia raised her brows and Raven sighed in defeat, giving up in favor of closing her eyes again. 

“Filed under: Things I don't want to know. Clarke, sweetheart, my love, beautiful person who took the car keys away from me, can we go home now?”   
The final sip of coffee brought a pitiful stare, and Clarke could only roll her eyes for a second before caving.

“You're worse than Ithaca, put the puppy dog eyes away. Hearing about your friends’ sex lives isn't going to kill you.” 

“Prude.”  
Raven mumbled against the comforter.

“No, I just believe in privacy.”   
Lexa retorted, shoving at her friend. They'd all had this conversation before, just about every time they were in the same room in fact and Lexa knew it almost always ended with her being thoroughly embarrassed, but it had been a while so she let it happen. 

“Right, privacy. That's why you two routinely bone in your car where anyone could see.”   
Costia's pointed observation came right on cue. 

“Nineteen seventies muscle was designed specifically for that purpose, Tia. I can't deny it it's birthright.”   
Even private people had their fetishes. 

“You're a strange person X.” 

“Look who's talking.”   
Lexa replied with a shrug, leaning over Raven to where she remembered seeing her cellphone last.   
“Three texts from Grandma Abby.”  
She swiped through her notifications lazily, in no mood to get up despite her protests to go home.

“Pointless updates?”   
Clarke huffed at the thought of her mother trying to keep track of every little thing to tell them when they got back. 

“Apparently, ‘Rus is a better father than Markus and Jake cries if the dogs aren't in the room. I don't think she's pleased about that. Oh, look, there's a picture!”  
Lexa flipped the phone around for her wife and friends to see. Her big black hellbeast of a dog, the specially trained killing machine of an animal that she had worried for days about having in the same space as her infant son, had his nose pressed ever so delicately against the child's chin and a little baby fist was balled tightly in the scruff under his ear, wide blue eyes staring intently and happily over at the big animal.   
Clarke let the softest of squeals past her lips before grabbing a pillow to squeeze tightly and wrap herself around. 

“Okay, that's some kind of precious. Like, internet viral precious and you need to send it to me so I can spam everyone with how precious my nephew is.”   
Raven made grabby hands at the phone until Lexa swatted her away. 

“Lex, I miss our kid.”   
Clarke whined, butting her head against her wife's shoulder. 

“Yup. Time to go home.”   
Lexa nodded firmly in agreement, extracting herself from the pile her friends had made around her as quickly as possible. The coffee was starting to do its job, but the sudden movement to her feet needed a couple seconds of deep breathing to stop the spinning in her head.   
“Tia, you're wonderful and the party was amazing, but I am officially too old for this shit. Ow.” 

Clarke was on her feet as well, already digging for keys and aspirin in her purse.

“Yeah yeah, alright, go ahead and bail. I see how it is.”   
Costia laughed, dropping into the space Lexa left beside Raven and scootching into her side.   
“I'd be upset, but I can totally see how you wouldn't want to miss any more of that cute. Go be old people, give the squishy a kiss for me.” 

“Can do. Thank you again for helping me put this together, Tia. You're the best.”  
Clarke gathered their things and empty mugs to return upstairs on their way out. 

“I thought I was the best!”  
Raven protested indignantly, raising her head to pout at Clarke as she paused at the base of the stairs.

“You are! Costia's got her own category of best. Don't worry.” 

“You're full of shit. Drive safe, text us when you get home, blah blah blah, you know the drill. Bye guys!”   
Raven waved them off, waiting for the door to click from upstairs before leaning back into Costia's side. 

“Ten bucks says they stop to fuck in the car before they make it back to DC.”   
She muttered behind a grin.

“That's not even a bet, that's exactly what's going to happen. It's a four hour drive. We won't hear from them for five.”  
Tia rolled her eyes knowing that the idea was in Lexa's head now and no matter how much they missed their child, they were parents, and no parent was going to pass up an opportunity for personal time when someone else was watching their kid. 

“Fair point. But I'm saying six hours, take it or leave it.”

“Done.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! If you did, please please please let me know, I could really use some good words right about now (my motivation is at a -100 right now and every comment helps)  
> and as always, hit me up on Tumblr!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, Thank you all who commented, you're my heroes :)  
> Second, holy crap I forgot how many little subplots I put into the first chapters until I started rereading and trying to put them back in. o.o   
> Third, I hate politics, so I don't know why I'm doing this to myself, but please enjoy!

Lexa tossed the phone back onto the sofa behind her, choosing to ignore the problem for a moment more in favor of extracting Icarus's ear from his new master's tiny fist. 

“You're not off leave for another three days, you don't have to deal with it yet.”   
Clarke sat behind her, watching Jake fuss with the dog more than the news coverage on the television. She knew all the politics already anyway.

“If it wasn't the dogs, I wouldn't. Unfortunately, three days is still plenty of time for Cage to royally screw me over, so I need to go handle this. And it's three days of PTO I can use later.”   
With a sad sigh she extracted the baby from her outstretched legs, laying him back on his blanket for some tummy time with the foam dinosaurs he was starting to love so much. 

“Icarus.”   
The dog's head perked up from his paws at the sound of his name in a command voice.   
“Let's go to work.”

Training and his new loyalty fought each other for a moment, but he pulled himself to his partners side, a small whine the only sign that he was as happy about leaving as Lexa. 

“Ithaca will watch him bud. Right girl?”   
Lexa scratched his ears and bent to do the same to the house dog with her head in Clarke's lap. She simply let out a long sigh and licked her nose. 

“I think Jake might miss Rus more than you.”  
Clarke laughed as her son searched for his dog with a wobbly head, still training his muscles. 

“You say such horrible things to me.”   
Lexa grinned, believing it. She dropped a kiss to the top of Clarke's head and trudged up the stairs to change. 

“Only because you're leaving us!”   
Clarke called after her with a laugh. 

Lexa dressed quickly, running through her phone call over and over, hunting for details she might have missed that would make her job easier. There weren't any, of course, but it was easier than thinking about leaving Jake. Sure it was only a couple hours a day, and she had a predominantly desk job so she wasn't at risk of dying and leaving him and Clarke alone, but she'd grown used to being home with them, being a family. Changing the routine again was not something she had been looking forward to.

“It's going to be a nightmare night, Rus.”   
She muttered at the dog waiting patiently on guard at the door. She finished tying her hair up and shoved it under her cap, checking herself in the mirror before she gathered the dog's vest, allowing him to step into it himself before buckling it in place and attaching the lead.   
“Off we go.”

* * *

It was going to be a nightmare day from the look of it. Construction on the normal route to the base led to an unexpected detour, led to a near collision, which led to spilled coffee on white interior leather. New guards at the gate made returning to work as difficult as it was unappealing and Lexa was in a wonderfully sour mood before she even made it to the kennels and Captain Wallace. 

“Welcome back Captain Heda.” 

“Thank you Lieutenant Monroe. I wish I could say it's good to be back, but honestly, I'd rather be home with my son.”   
Lexa returned the young Marine’s salute with a weary smile. Her XO was still bright eyed and bushy tailed about being in the corp and Lexa had to wonder if she'd ever been that excited about her job. Not that it was unwelcome, most days, the Lieutenant and her enthusiasm were the only things that kept her awake through stacks of paperwork. 

“Remind me to nag you for all the pictures later.”   
She pushed the door to Lexa's office and held it open for her as she followed. 

“Oh don't worry, I'm going to plaster the walls with them. It'll piss Wallace off.” The office was shared, Lexa's desk on one side and Cage’s on the other, and decoration was a constant war between them. Lexa was sure the Corp had put them together as some sort of psychological battle royale to see how long it took for them to kill each other. 

Icarus settled himself into his bed as Lexa surveyed the damage left from two months of Wallace being alone in their space. It could have been worse. It could have been better, but she guessed she had Monroe to thank for what little organization there was left, and it certainly wasn't her job to be her housekeeper. 

“I tried to get it organized for you Sir.”   
Monroe took a seat across the desk as Lexa flipped through her neatly organized binders of new requisitions and reports. 

“You angling for early promotion, Nugget?”   
Lexa laughed as the younger marine studied her boots. She was fresh from MP school, gold bars still sparkling, but she had drive. In another year she would receive an automatic promotion to Lieutenant first class, but she was already over qualified to move up.  
“Put your paperwork in and I'll go over it when I have a chance. For now, sit rep on the dogs.”

“Lackland requested to send our trainers back early to make room for their puppies. Captain Wallace signed off on it before I could talk to anyone there.”

“Hell of a time for him to take ‘joint command’ seriously.”  
Lexa muttered, leaning back into her chair with her arms crossed over her chest.  
The program was set up to train better security officers, Lexa's security training and experience with the dogs and Wallace's intelligence and tactics background were meant to work in tandem to create a more rounded security training program. Meant to. When it came time to work together the two had decided that it was better if they didn't and proceeded to prepare their specific areas of the program on their own with their own executive officers and no interference from the other Captain. Of course, Wallace never missed an opportunity to sabotage Lexa's operations in an attempt to discredit her and either be assigned a new partner or be given full reign to do as he liked with the command they were given. Eventually they were going to have to cooperate, once they're individual operations were functioning and they had to start bringing in recruits, but for now it was largely a game of who could throw the other under the bus harder. 

“They plane lands at thirteen twenty five with ten of our dogs.”

“Just the ten training dogs? Not their reserve dogs?”  
Lexa raised a brow, confused as to why the kennel master hadn't sent his bases surplus of animals as was the plan before the timetable moved up.

“Thankfully, they wouldn't commit to that without speaking to you first. They want to send them with whoever you choose for your training specialist.”   
Monroe explained.

“Small miracles.”  
Lexa muttered under her breath.

“I should check our food and supply storage, Sir. I'll come get you when it's time to head to the hangar for the dogs.” 

“You're a good Marine, Monroe. I need five more of you and one less Cage Wallace.”   
Lexa dismissed her with a tight smile, settling reluctantly to her paperwork.

* * *

Ten dogs might not be the full capacity of their kennels, but it was sure a lot of hassle to move them all the same. They were mostly active duty retirees, so they were used to flying and fairly well behaved, but from plane kennel to truck kennel to base kennel, the process of moving them still dragged well into the evening. They were fortunate for the help of the airmen that accompanied the animals as the only assistance Captain Wallace and his XO Emmerson offered was showing up halfway through the job to commentate and generally be in the way. 

“Don't you have a Fight Club remake to choreograph, Cage?”   
Lexa grumbled, clicking the final kennel gate shut, signaling Monroe that the truck was loaded with a good thump to the cab's roof. 

“You wound me Lexa.”

“I wish.”  
Her muttered rebuttal was lost under the sound of the truck's engine firing.

“I'm here for moral support, just staying out of your way. I'm not great with the dogs, wouldn't want to get them upset and make your job harder now, would I?”   
Every word was sleazy and Lexa wanted to send every dog left in the hangar at his throat just to silence him. 

“You're here because you don't want to do any real work.”   
Lexa retorted, running her hands over another waiting dog to check for flight related injuries.   
_‘One more trip and I can go home. I'll deal with Wallace another day.’_

“We're set to bring this camp online in two weeks Heda, my work is done.”

Of course.  
And Lexa was behind schedule now.   
_‘Rub it in. Prick.’_

“Well then, you won't mind running the daily operations while I play catch up will you?”  
He was about to refuse until his lap dog, Emmerson whispered something in his ear and he conceded to take the responsibility with a shrug. The smirk that spread across his face was worrisome, but Lexa put it in her mental folder of ‘deal with it later’.

At least he agreed to take some of the day to day weight off of her shoulders. For now.

* * *

“I never thought the sound of him crying would be soothing.”   
Lexa leaned around the corner of the doorway, stopping Clarke's pacing with her arrival, unheard over the fussy infant’s cries. 

“Soothing for you maybe. We had a visit from your mother this afternoon, and he hasn't settled down since. You're in trouble for that, by the way, surprise media circus family visits don't work so well if you're not home when you should be.”   
Clarke handed the baby over with a roll of her eyes, sinking back into her office chair.

“Come here Boogieman, let's give Mommy’s ears a break hm? Shhh.”   
Lexa bounced her son gently, scowling over his head as he buried fists in her hair, calming enough to stop wailing.   
“Surprise family visits? With the media? Mom wouldn't…” 

Her mother knew better than to drop in on them unannounced, and normally, with her recent appointment to Vice Presidential candidate, visits had to be scheduled well in advance to maintain any sort of privacy. Aside from Clarke's professional involvement in the campaign, neither of them had wanted to be part of the circus of cameras and reporters that seemed to swarm around Indra these days. 

“She didn't. Jaha did. I guess Indra mentioned her grandson in an interview and he said he hadn't met him yet and it spiraled from there. Next thing you know, they're at our front door with half the news stations on the east coast. I wouldn’t let them see him without you here though.”   
Clarke frowned, allowing herself to be angry again for the first time since she'd shooed the circus away and put her mind to caring for her son.   
“How'd you do that?”

Jake was quiet now, cooing contentedly against Lexa's chest.

“Uniform smells like dog is my guess. I'll give him his bath and put him down for the night, you relax, then we'll talk about this campaign issue, alright?” 

“You just got off work, you don't have to-”   
Clarke stood, reaching for Jake again, remembering how fed up her wife had sounded when she walked in.

“Clarke, I've got it. You've been home with him and politicians alone all day, it's preferable to dealing with Wallace, but it's also harder work. You rest, grab a bottle of wine, put on a movie, whatever you want to do, okay? You've earned it. I can handle baby duty for a bit.”  
Lexa stopped her with a quick kiss, spinning the baby out of her reach. She'd seen this look too often, Clarke trying to make things easier for her at the expense of her own nerves, pushing aside her own issues and troubles for her. Lexa was having none of it today. 

“Fine, if you insist.”   
Clarke sighed, her required quota of protest filled and silenced by the allure of a glass of wine and a book by the fireplace.

* * *

“Hey there beautiful.” Lexa shuffled sleepily into the living room, comfy in slippers and pajamas now. She dropped heavily onto the sofa beside Clarke, scootching and shuffling until she was laying with her head in her lap and Clarke's hand was absently running through her hair without a second thought. 

“Did he go down alright?” 

“Yeah, the bath always puts him right to sleep.”

“I should have thought of that earlier.”  
Clarke shook her head and closed her book, focusing on her wife like it had been weeks that they were apart instead of hours. 

“I'm sorry I wasn't here.” 

“Don't, Lex. You had to go, we both know that. You can't beat yourself up for doing your job.”   
She tapped her fingers lightly against Lexa's forehead as she spoke, driving the scolding home before reaching for her hands instead.  
“We're both going to have to go back to our jobs, just like before. We're going to miss things. It's just a fact.”

“What if I didn't?”   
Lexa asked quietly, impulsively. She pushed herself back to sitting to explain as Clarke arched an eyebrow in surprise. Clarke couldn't quite comprehend that the words she was hearing were actually coming from Lexa's mouth.   
“I'm due to renew my contract this summer. If I get this program up, by some miracle, I could retire, maybe run private security somewhere, or work for Raven at Zero G. What?”   
She stopped as Clarke's face fell into a contented smile, her eyes far away in a memory.

“You remember when you showed up at my door in California? Even after all the shit you'd been through, leaving the Corp was the last thing you wanted. You couldn't even think of another option. It's just really good to hear you thinking like this, like there’s something else you could do.”  
Clarke pulled Lexa back to her side, brushing wild hair behind her ear to kiss her cheek.   
“Not security though, you took the desk job so you’d be out of the line of fire, remember?”  
It was her one rule when they had decided to have a baby. She wouldn’t let a bullet or a bomb or someone else’s safety coming first make her raise their child alone.

“So I take it you’re on board with this idea?”   
Lexa settled into Clarke’s shoulder, smiling at the memories that came with her words. 

“I’ve never met another Marine that takes ‘Semper Fi’ as seriously as you do, which is why I’ve never asked you to leave the Corp, but you know how I feel. I think you’re going to think and overthink this until the last possible second and you’ll make the best decision then. And I’ll stand by you no matter what that is.”

“One of the countless reasons I love you.”  
Lexa sighed happily, counting her blessings for the millionth time. Clarke hummed contentedly, snuggling down so Lexa could hold her. They stayed this way, quietly enjoying each other's warmth, breaths matching, until Lexa broke the silence.

“So the wolves know who we are now huh?” 

Clarke stiffened at the thought.  
“The reporters will connect the dots and it'll be a footnote in tomorrow morning's paper. ‘VP candidate’s daughter has child with campaign lawyer. Scandal?’ Fucking media pricks.”   
Remaining an anonymous part of the campaign was out of the question at this point, so Clarke was clinging to her right to remain sarcastic and cynical.  
“We're going to have to have a proper family campaign appearance now I'm sure. So much for a quiet life of anonymity.”

Lexa sighed, slouching back into the cushions. She was happy for her mom, she was. Politics was Indra's life, she was good at it, and for the most part, Lexa agreed with her policies, Jaha's too. But none of them asked to be trotted out in front of cameras to win ‘family votes’. None of them wanted celebrity. Lexa had made her appearances, standing beside her brother in blues behind her mother at fancy dinners and parties, but never with Clarke. They had tried to keep their personal life away from the media, keep it private, just for the sake of remaining out of the public eye. It was bad for Clarke's credibility with the campaign and Lexa's future in security, and just horribly inconvenient besides. Lincoln had already put his foot down that he and Octavia were staying away from the campaign trail when they announced her second pregnancy, for her health. He would show up when necessary, but his wife and children were to be off limits. Anya loved the cameras, but even she quickly grew tired of having to sit through debates and parties when the lights stopped flashing. 

Lexa was sure Wells had it worse, his father was a widower, and constantly touted his only son as his driving force. There was no one else for the wolves to focus on. Their friend had already been featured in several primetime news spots, some at his father's side, some on his own and one in his own classroom. The future First Son. A mantle that was the very last thing the quiet, reserved professor wanted. All he wanted was to teach and work on his research, anything but be involved in his father’s politics. 

“Wonderful. I'm seriously regretting introducing the two of them. Mother wouldn't have let those vultures anywhere near us or Lincoln. Jaha wants the damn vote so bad he'll pull us all in to get it. I hope she ripped him a new one.”

“She didn't seem pleased.”   
Clarke supplied, rendering her mother-in-law’s forced smiles and muttered apologies. 

“That's something at least.”  
Lexa muttered.  
“Do you want me to sort it tomorrow?”

“The campaign is my job, babe, I think I can schedule a family day.”

“Your job is to keep my mom out of trouble.”  
Lexa reminded her with a smirk.  
“And she is my mom.”

“How about keeping us out of trouble? If I can get Wells and Lincoln and Octavia to come as well-”

“You know Lincoln won’t agree to that, it’s still too early for Octavia…”

“I know my sister. She’ll kick his ass if he tries to protect her too much. And he knows it. Besides, with all of us, I can probably arrange a quiet closed session interview, find a magazine that would run a photo spread, no fuss. It won’t be enough without everyone, sooner or later the press is going to want to see Anya again, best to get that out of the way when we can all be there to make sure that goes smoothly. And if it's all of us and Wells, it shows the voters that their candidate's families are cohesive, which gives them confidence in them as a team. Just one day, a few fancy photos, get everything covered all at once, satisfy everyone’s curiosity and we can just fade back into the background.”  
Clarke may or may not have already emailed an outline of the plan to Harper, their media correspondent, and Octavia and Wells. It was her job after all. 

“Well since you clearly have a plan…”  
Lexa pecked a quick kiss to her lips and pushed herself off of the sofa with a groan.  
“I think it’s time for me to turn in. Gotta grab some sleep while I have the chance, it’s going to be one of those nights.” 

Clarke frowned.  
“How do you know? You haven’t had a nightmare in months.”

“It’s been one of those days.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments? thoughts? I seriously want to hear any and every idea you might have, it makes me happy. :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait. I thought I knew what I was doing. :p

“This feels so surreal doesn't it? Like who ever thought we'd be here?”   
Wells shifted in his seat, making a face over the stylist’s head as she fussed over the knot if his tie.

“I figured you'd be used to all this by now. You've had to deal with it a lot longer than the rest of us.”   
Lexa leaned against the counter to watch him, her own styling already done. 

“Not on this scale. Senate elections aren't quite as big of a deal. And all this? A spread in Time, personal stylist's, a professional photo shoot? It's kind of a big deal. Clarke outdid herself.” 

“I just made a couple phone calls.”  
Clarke stepped around a curtain with Octavia and Anya on her heels and Jake in her arms.  
“The magazine pretty much tripped over itself to get us here.”

“Yeah, and turned us into paper dolls. They have my kid in a designer dress. Why would you even make designer clothing for three year olds?”   
Octavia checked back behind the curtain they'd come through to peak at Lincoln, still being detained for individual photos. Anya, mirroring Octavia's grumpy attitude, threw herself heavily down onto one of the plush sofas offered for them in the dressing room. 

“Three ana haff Mommy! How comes I gotta wear a dress? I wanna jacket and pants wike Auntie Wexa.”  
The girl pouted dramatically and pulled her dress’ matching glittery headband away from her wild curls, throwing it to the floor in defiance. Octavia didn't have the energy to scold her and simply dropped to the sofa to pull the girl into her lap. 

“You can wear pants and jackets as much as you want when we go home and when you go to school and anywhere else, okay munchkin? Today we gotta make Grammy and all the people with cameras happy though, and that means fancy dresses. I don't like it much either, but it's just something we have to do. Can you hang in there for a bit longer for me baby girl?” 

Anya sniffled but proudly lifted her chin and nodded, putting on her tough girl face. 

“You want my blazer, Woogie?”  
Lexa perched on the arm of the sofa over her niece and shrugged her own specially selected designer jacket off to drop around the girl's shoulders making her grin wildly.  
“There. Looks better on you anyway.”

“Captain Heda?”  
An aide peered around the curtain from the photo stage and all heads turned. The girl frowned when she noticed Lexa without her jacket.   
“We're ready for you. We were wanting a couple shots with your brother and then on your own before we bring Clarke and J.R back out if that's alright.”   
She looked nervous, clearly unused to so many presumably important people. 

“Of course. One second.”   
Lexa offered a tight smile. She was used to schedules and itineraries, but she'd always hated the way the ones that made them scared the daylights out of their assistants about keeping to them so precisely.  
“Sorry Woog, looks like I need that back.” 

She scooped the jacket up and placed a kiss to Anya's forehead to soothe the pout that stretched back across her face. 

Lexa stepped out into the lights beside her brother and his ever thinning patience, urging him to smile so they could get through the whole ordeal faster. 

From there the shoot went largely as expected, barring a small tantrum from the youngest member of the family. For once Clarke and Lexa were grateful for a baby’s short attention span as it handily wrapped up their session under the cameras and ushered in Wells for the final shoot of the morning. They settled onto the large sofa prepared for them for the interview, watching Wells shift uncomfortably under the now very warm lights. 

“And I thought war was bad.”   
Lexa muttered feeling sorry for her friend. 

“Careful, anything you say here can and will be used in print and out of context.”  
Clarke laughed, failing to resist the urge to push a stray curl away from Lexa’s face. The stylist's had put it there on purpose, but it was so not-Lexa and it had been driving her crazy for the last hour. Lexa smiled gratefully at her, realizing that she was just as uncomfortable with this as everyone else. 

“The walls have ears huh?”

“And nothing is sacred.” 

Lexa sighed and relaxed back into the sofa, resigning herself to silence until she was required to answer a question.

* * *

“Hey Clarke?”  
Wells twisted in his seat to eye his friend on the other end of the booth with a grumpy glare.  
“Never again with that shit.”

Clarke rolled her eyes and covered Anya's ears even though the girl was falling asleep with her head in her aunt's lap and didn't hear him to begin with.   
“Everyone seems to forget that I'm a lawyer, not a press manager. And anyway, your father dragged us all into this.”  
She countered and Lexa, Lincoln and Octavia nodded their agreement. Wells slumped and put his head in his hands.

“I know.”  
He whined, and Lexa had to chuckle because this was a man with seven degrees and a nomination for a Nobel Peace Prize and he was moping like a teenager who didn't want to go to summer school.   
“I just want to go back to my lab. Not that it hasn't been great to see everyone again and all, but formulas and Thesis proposals sound much more appealing than any more campaign nonsense.”

“You need a girlfriend, brother.” Lincoln grimaced at Wells' idea of appealing, shoving his shoulder jokingly.

“You're probably right, but if Dad wins this election, the next four to eight years of my personal life belong to the entire country, so it's probably better that I don't.”   
A camera flashed from across the cafe and Wells glared at the offender who held up a hand in surrender, deleting the photo with the other, an apologetic grimace appearing under his stare.  
“Exactly what I'm talking about.”   
He muttered, turning back to his friends and his plate. 

“Fame and fortune right?”   
Lexa sighed. 

“Which one of you asked for this? I'm not happy with you.”

He'd been put through the ringer during their interview and was about done with everything at the moment. No one could blame him. They'd all had their fair share of invasive questions as well. While they had wanted to keep mostly to politics, the interviewer had other plans. Wells had to sit through numbing questions about growing up as the child of a senator and teen prodigy while Lexa and Lincoln were interrogated about their mother’s divorce from Lexa's father, a subject that she had remained mum on herself in many interviews.   
Lincoln actually got up to leave when he was asked about his biological father and Lexa could have sworn he was about to throw the man through a wall.   
Lexa's calm broke and she nearly followed her brother when asked about the war and “how hard is it to be a female Marine in combat?”   
Octavia called him a sexist pig when he turned the same question to her about being a firefighter and if she had thought about a career change when she became a mother.Clarke and Wells had managed to remain civil, they were both more used to public speaking and media attention, but there were still marks where Clarke's nails had dug into her palm. 

It hadn't gone overwhelmingly well to say the least. 

“No one asked for this. Anyone who seeks fame is a sociopath in my opinion.”   
Octavia swirled her straw around her glass, raising a brow to dare anyone to disagree. No one did.

“I think we got the point across at least. Hopefully everyone will lose interest in us when that article comes out boring as hell.”  
Clarke shrugged. She was trying to find a silver lining to their fiasco of an interview, but there wasn't much to find. 

“Not sure where Jaha Sr. got the idea that the entire family was running for President, but if he was counting on us to win him the election, he's gonna have to get used to staying a senator, because I'm pretty sure we screwed that up.”   
Lexa laughed, picturing her mother's face when the inevitability horrible article hit the stands and her children looked like jackasses in fancy clothes.

“I'm cool with that.”   
Lincoln shrugged.  
Everyone agreed with the clink of water cups and coffee mugs.

* * *

“Captain?”   
Monroe peaked around the door, finding Lexa with her head in her hands staring blankly at her desk. 

“Yeah. Sorry, come in Lieutenant.”  
She snapped back up, straightening at her XO’s voice.

“Everything alright sir?” 

“Fine, fine, I just needed to reboot after that review. What can I do for you Monroe?”

“This came for you.”  
She dropped a large shipping envelope onto the desk and watched with interest as her Captain’s gave seemed to light up and ease from the tension she hadn't even noticed there.   
“I take it you've been waiting for that?”

“Have a seat Lieutenant. I should tell you about this I think.”   
Lexa looked at the younger woman with a soft expression, almost sad.

“This is retirement paperwork. I ordered it weeks ago but I hadn't made my decision until this afternoon. I'm leaving the Marines. And I'm leaving you my command.”

Monroe looked devastated. She sat heavier in her chair, working under the weight of the announcement to find the words she needed to say. 

“But… I'm just… you can't…”

“Hey, relax,”  
Lexa moved around the desk to rest a hand on her friend's shoulder.   
“I'm not leaving until August, and I've put in for your promotion. Nothing is official yet alright? If you don't want it that's fine, but I trust you, I know you can handle it.” 

She left out that she had, rather unorthodoxly, recommended the girl for a two rank promotion to Captain. It was rare, but her scores were high enough and the two months of keeping up with her own work as well as Lexa's under Wallace had more than proved her ability.

“I don't know what to say. Thank you, sir.”  
She was still awestruck and Lexa stepped away to let her process. Leaning back against her desk to wait.  
“You're retiring?” 

“This time next year, my mother is probably going to be the Vice President of the United States, my life will be crazy enough without waiting for Wallace to pull the rug out from under me again like he did today. I've given the Corp thirteen years of my life. My wife and son get the rest of them.”  
While it was true that she hadn't officially made her decision until the review that morning, the truth of the impending craziness of her life after the interview she'd suffered through earlier in the week had almost decided for her. The fact was, she was tired. The men she'd been held with in Afghanistan had retired almost immediately after returning from the war, but she kept on with some stubborn determination that she just didn't have anymore. She'd found something else to give her life meaning, it had just taken her a while to figure it out. 

“I understand that. I'm not going to say I'm happy about it, but I do appreciate your confidence in me. I'll do my best.”

“I know you will Nugget.”  
Lexa gave her a fond smile and a pat on the shoulder as she headed for the door, motioning for her to follow.  
“And we're going to get this company's ass kicked before I leave so you've got an easy job to take over. First thing, though, you've got to learn how to handle the dogs. Lucky for you, we just opened an MWD Officer training program.”   
Lexa smirked over at her XO, waiting for her reaction. She knew it was a little mean to keep dropping news on her like this, but she also knew how much she had wanted to be a handler. She'd chosen college over the Marines out of school and baring exceptions like Lexa, handlers were enlisted men and women only. Joining with a degree put her on track as an officer, and disqualified her for eligibility. Part of Lexa's proposal for her company was to have an officer inclusive program as well as taking the weight of training all of the military’s MWD handlers off of Lackland. Wallace's proposal for better security training happened to mesh well enough, in theory at least, that the two were unceremoniously lumped into one program.

“You're putting me in the program?!” 

“Well, my portfolio of recruits was completely thrown out the window for twelve of Cage's hand picked commandos, so I should get one good boot don't you think?” 

Monroe wrinkled her nose at being called a boot again, every Marine was relieved to shed that nickname when they left training and Nugget for her collar’s gold bars was at least slightly better, but she was grinning. 

“I was going to apply next year, but this is amazing! Thank you!”

“That's what you wanted for your birthday wasn't it?”   
Lexa grinned, knowing that Monroe believed she'd forgotten.

“Permission to hug my commanding officer sir?”   
Monroe managed to squeak with the last bit of composure she had. Lexa reminded herself to spend more time off base with her, she was a good friend when they didn't have to be professional. She laughed and held her arms open for a hug, tipping the girl's cap off her head to tease when she pulled away. 

“Alright, back to work Lieutenant, classes start next week and you have paperwork to fill out.”  
Lexa laughed again, shaking her head as Monroe scrambled for her hat. 

“Yes sir!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have a lot of headcanons about how that interview went, but I didn't know how to write it all down, so if you wanna know, send me an ask on Tumblr!

**Author's Note:**

> Adorable, no?


End file.
